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a soul that can change

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Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
7:27 am - i have a new band
its me, mickie rat and matt mccool, keep an eye and an ear out

(when i got the music)

Monday, June 2nd, 2008
8:47 pm - a song, maybe
i dont like the lil break down type thing. and i might change it from 5 lines to 4, works more. maybe add a verse. thing of it as a living poem for now..i just felt like sharing something

fuck a cut

its time for some self examination,
and im not talkin bout masturbation,
but im sick of that too,
almost as sick as i am of you,
its about clearing the field,
letting go of the wounds that held,
and cleansing the ones still sore,
the ones that were never more,
then just another hanger on,
dont bother looking cuz im gone,

your like dead skin,
pealing it off from within,
your a million dead brain cells,
worthless to me as tossing my money down empty wells,

making the change once again,
revert without saving and begin,
back at start, but its better then my own hell,
and if you have to ask im doing well,
now that your once again kicked to the street,
looking for some action in this summer heat,
looked the wrong place, shoulda known,
was it love or lust and just looking to bone,
truth be told i was just bored and looking for fun,
but you bore me even more and thats why we're done,

you can kiss, my heartbroken ass,
cuz i dont miss, you so go choke on some glass,
i think suck, then again i wouldnt know,
you fucking fuck, your all talk and no show,

your like dead skin,
pealing it off from within,
your a million dead brain cells,
worthless to me as tossing my money down empty wells

(1 place to go | when i got the music)

Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
10:46 pm - im less happy then this seems, maybe that just tiredness
much about nothing, life update
I have sorta been in hiding the past few weeks. I haven’t really been going to shows, hanging out, just been home and doing stuff here. I needed it too, I had to get away, get back to some things that make me, me. I did go to one show, I went to see Twiztid and it put me back to before I was known, back when I could go out, stand and enjoy all night w/o knowing anything about anyone. I got to meet two people I’ve talked to for YEARS online and I met them at the twiztid show! Soooooo happy about that. I also got to go out with my friend Susan, who talking to her, reminds me of things long ago in my life. Same thing with hanging out with Amber, it all just takes me back.

I started doing more art too. There is a model that once lived here, at least, named Ivy that puts up fan art on her page. So I made a few stencils of her, and they came out rad! I showed Susan and she asked me to do some of her. Thats so rad to me, people want me to do art of them!

I’m not ure how I feel about this(other then that I find it funny), but I am pretty crushless right now. Sure there are plenty of girls I could easily like, but I am really trying not to, for many many many reasons. Thus far, its going well. I think the only one I am letting myself go through any motions on, I don’t even talk to. I see her daily, maybe say hi, but thats bout it.

I am putting what would be rent/bills/stuff into savings so I can live off what would be left over and that I’ll have money saved up by the time I am ready to move out! Plus, the places in my price range and area look awesome!

I’m excited, stuff is happening.

You might be seeing me out again, maybe more, in different ways. I have sorta connected with myself again, more ok with me being me again.

(1 place to go | when i got the music)

Sunday, March 2nd, 2008
4:20 am - i dont know where to go
I'm falling apart. I hit a wall, some sort of wall. No, this isn't a writing thing, this is me in my head, just talking. I don't know why I am taking what happened, which is being dealt with and talked about and worked on, so hard. It's just girl trouble, nothing close to the worse I've felt before. I mean, shit, some of the shit I have gotten up from, more or less alone, I don't know how I did it. And yet, here I am. Maybe its a lot of issues and its all coming to a head with this problem. I think so, mixed with feeling dumb for thinking what was going on with this girl..blah blah blah. but, ok, so here i am, laying in bed, shaking, feeling like i wanna rip my skin off and cold, and liking the cold. ive hit bottom, at least my bottom, a few times.. well, i hit, then i hit harder, then i hit mental bottom. i know when i hit, i could go up. but, i wont let myself go back there, i just wont..which you'd think is good, right? i mean not cutting or hitting my head on things/hitting myself, is good right, not doing that. yet, i know thats bottom, and i have urge to do that. not the cutting, but the head thing. why, cuz some girl lead me on(in my head, she didnt mean to) and now i hurt, thats why i wanna fucking puke my guts out and then make myself forget the pain with new pain. fuck me, suck it up kid and get the fuck on with life. oddly, im still friends with her, i cant talk to her about any new boy probs, but i want to be there for her on other tihngs..but there is a whole new prob that opened up with me sayign i felt used, cuz.. well, ow she doesnt wanna come to me, yet thats not why i felt used. and the reasons i felt used were only cuz i thought she liked me and was taking what i said as, real to her, but she was just letting me say them. i have said them since, now knowing she doesn take them the way id like her to. she doesnt even think they are true, which is even more heartbreaking because if she could see her self the way i see her, she'd know how great she really is. yet now im saying i wanna hurt myself, seemingly cuz of her. which isnt true. that idea is already in my head, so, not..its just not that way. things just got lost in the motions i guess. we got carried away. confused to say the least and like she said, she knew i liked sayign those things, so she let me..and well, you can prolly tell how that goes. yet, we are trying hard to be friends.. yet my natural tihng to do is to lash out, but im trying not to, and its hard to get over someone when they are your friend still. but like i said, we are trying. shit just fucking hurts. really, thats all that needs to be said, shit just fucking hurts. we've all been there one way or antoer, its notihng new, not even to me..but i wana hit bottom, i wanna climb up..i mean, if you cant hit bottom, where do you go? or...what do you do? stay in limbo? i mean, fuck. its moret hen just the girl thing, i know. i got all kinds of shit right now and hella stressed about my new job and stuff... but its all come to a head with this. fuck... so, my sos is out. i can and will get past this, its not a matter of if, but when.. i can do it alone, ive done getting past a multi-lair/cheater by myself, i can get past this. but the love would help a lot, ive become very anti-social, very negative, and spending way too much time alone.

shit just fucking hurts

(4 places to go | when i got the music)

Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008
10:59 pm - weird yo
went to see kepi, wasnt gonna but lys told me to, even if it ment standing in the back in the shadows. it was once again, weird ...yea, weird, i mean, good music, good people, friends and ...the weirdness. its just looks, and it could be in my head, but i swear it isnt, im not as crazy as i think i am. oh well, whatever, not that it really matters anyway. i have too many issues right now that arnt really issues to worry about. thats one, being "i'm the one" guy is another, not having a band, having shit loads of video to do stuff with is another. some arnt issues, just things i need to do, meh, i lied i guess. i am helping produce my friends rap stuff too. i should stop bitching and suck it up!

i wrote a song lastnight, its good i think. very tony brody/anton and about a few girls/things some fill in stuff and yea, here it is..

If you really want to danceCollapse )

(2 places to go | when i got the music)

Monday, January 21st, 2008
11:00 am - bunch about nothing
girls, i dont understand them. i know many and get a long fine with them. i like girls, i have crushes on some of them, doesnt really get in the way, for the most part. but i dont get it, i have friends that are beautiful, smart, talented, easy to get along with, everything i want in a girl and they doubt themselves. that gets to me, i mean, really? any guy would be lucky to have a chance with one of these girls and yet they tell me how they cant get guys, or cant find good ones, or whatever, and part of me wants to go .oh, hey, um, me!?!?! but no, i dont, not my place really, we are just friends(those two words). i dont mind so much, im there for my friends on the whole, i just have to get past the part about liking them and them not liking me ha. i dont know what im saying anymore, maybe it makes sense in some way, maybe not. w/e, im just bitching.

i have nothing good to say, or worth while. ehhhhhhhhh

(when i got the music)

Tuesday, January 8th, 2008
11:42 pm - give me a fix
I've noticed my jealousy spiking, and I hate it. I cannot stand being jealous of people, it makes me mad at myself. Yet I am working it out within myself, I use it as a drive for myself to better myself, yet then that seems out of spite. Oh well, can't win them all, huh? It'll pass, I'l live, move on and no one will really know, aside from this.

(I said "myself" a lot there.)

I was asked if I could help out Danny Secretion and record solo songs for him. This should be fun!! I LOVE recording, it is an art. I have recorded my own songs for my page(I do my recordings pretty crappy), I did the recordings(yes, there are drum and guitar tracks for "Devoured") for my old band the Alpha Villains, I recorded a full band demo of "Blast Off" for the Secretions, did the vocal tracks of Angel Nova and Joebot 2.0 for the "Bast Off" you can buy at shows, and I did the solo songs from Mickie Rat of the Secretions, and also did some recordings for Eoin Nobody. So, it'll be nice to have some head phones back on and be behind my comp and mixing board!

I was asked do do a music video for a band, but I haven't even gotten out to one of their shows to start yet, I really need to get on that, and finish the KWOD xmas DVD for the Secretions, work on tour footage, make a video for Final Summation I said I would do(and I have it planned in my head from the tour footage), hopefully shoot a fan-ish video for Troublemaker, and make a detailed write up for my video idea for Don't Fuck With the Teenage Harlets(trust me, the idea alone, even if never made, is amazing!).

Nothing like keeping busy to keep your mind off things! Plus, I am always writing songs and working on them too. ....then there is work, I need to keep busy, or I become...this, lazy, doing things I shouldn't and being jealous of others. So, onward with the work and putting too much on my plate, it is a drug I need!

Give me a fix

(when i got the music)

Thursday, January 3rd, 2008
9:53 pm - its that time of year again
when i turn a year older. im only 24 for 2 more hours

(when i got the music)

Thursday, November 1st, 2007
12:14 pm - "oh i live this life, and i love it"
ok, so true love, so much fun! slighting biter sweet, but good! kepi is always fun, lys and freak did a really good job, dino and "its whitney bitches" were great. the shyness of before seems all gone and its awesome!!! got to hang out with people, talk it up..good times!

then i went over old i, watched up and found paul, mickie and vanessa outside, talked with them, hung out, then went inside. the secretions(with bear on drums) were amazing as the ramones. all dressed up and everything! saw lyssa and kayce, went outside and talked with lyssa for about 20 mins to a half hour in the cold. didnt really talk to kayce at all, kinda sad! but it was a lot of fun talking to lyssa. ive never really talked with her. i think her and i might be hanging out some, that should be fun! i think i was being kinda flirty, good for me!!! hahaha, i prolly did a poor job lol. she told me she really liked the song i wrote about kayce, which blows my mind. i just write songs about whatever is on my mind and to have people tell me out of the blue that i didnt even know heard the song how good it is, is amazing to me. she was jealous though, so i have to write a song about her. so far the title is "the girl who leaves cds at my house from bands named after people from kickass movies." i'll get on writing that one right away... no, really, i will, it seems hard and interesting. i can do it! maybe a lil more hanging out is needed! best part, i didnt even have to pay for the show, or get id checked, i guess my underage friends could have came!

thanks to all i saw for a kick ass night and halloween!!!!!!

(when i got the music)

Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
11:04 am - hi lj, its been a while
hi all! shits been happening

due to my roomates being...well, not as cool as i thought, they have asked, no told me to find a new place to live...i dont think they can, but im moving out anyway cuz i'd rather not live here anymore. i'll prolly end up leaving downtown, but returning every weekend or so, so you'll see me!!!

umm im doing a lot of video editing for secretions stuff, final summation stuff too. trying to get my life in order again, somehow it fell apart. i need it back, badly! and im working on it, hardcore!

i got to see brooke the other night, which was awesome, i never see her and it was really nice!

umm yea, i dont update this thing like i should, oh well, maybe shortly i will start. i need a good place to ramble that not everyone reads... comment, maybe it'll help me and boost my ego and get me to post more! ha.. i need a new phot camera. mine died a while back. ummm.. yea, i need a place ot live too, i'l prolly get out of here, asap, find a place to keep my stuff and then live in my parents till i can find a good place, that is the plan if i dont find a place in the next 15 days(if that is when i leave)

um, talk to me

(1 place to go | when i got the music)

Monday, August 6th, 2007
2:00 pm - Secretions Faster Than the Speed of Drunk MUSIC VIDEO!!!
shot and edited by me!

(when i got the music)

Friday, June 8th, 2007
10:37 am - hello lj
and lj readers. i moved, i now live downtown, 15th and d, come say hi!

um, still having girl troubles, as in, i pick shitty girls to like.

i have met the best friends ever in the past year, life is good.

im going on mini tour this month with the secretions and a full month long us tour next month with them as a roadie/driver.

im helping work on a movie, and editing lil things too.

my band has a show at the save our secretions bbq on the 23rd, come out and see! and i think i might be starting up a new band here soon, or when i get back from tour

(1 place to go | when i got the music)

Monday, May 21st, 2007
10:17 am - a party you DONT wanna miss


DANCE FOR DESTRUCTION (featuring members of Pipedown & Black Roses)


ALL AGES!!!! DOORS @ 7:30pm


Featuring NEW tracks from Final Summation, Ashtray, and The Secretions!!!!

(1 place to go | when i got the music)

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007
10:46 am - i'm moving downtown!
june 1st i will be moving out of my parents house and moving downtown. my friends flash and daniela and i just got the place and we are super excited!! come visit! we are gonna be living a few houses down from friends, blocks from a few others and 5 min drive from more! exciting!!!

(2 places to go | when i got the music)

Friday, April 20th, 2007
10:00 am - crush
there is a girl i really like. ive been hanging with her since feb, we havent kissed, but hugged a lot, held her a lot, tickled for sure, massaged her body, that was amazing...we need to kiss, the build up is killing me

(2 places to go | when i got the music)

Saturday, March 3rd, 2007
Hosted By: The Knockoffs
When: 16 Mar 2007, 20:00
Where: The Blue Lamp
1400 Alhambra Blvd.
Sacramento, CA 95816
United States
The Knockoffs

Click Here To View Event

(when i got the music)

Friday, March 2nd, 2007
12:47 am - more then just a ramble
More then a ramble.

Its been so nice outside lately, this is one of my favorite times of the year. Dark clouds, rain, coldness, its a feeling I can't put my finger on, but when its there, its amazing. The only bad part right now is it has been making me feel really lonely. Doesn't help I have been in a funk lately anyway, so add it all up and, blah. Maybe I should write songs.

Thats another part of my life right now, I am not focusing on things I need to. Song writing being one, getting things in order being another one. I'm talking cleaning, mail, bills, my health, its just not happening right now. I need to buckle down hard and fast. Maybe wake up early on a sat and get to work, my room is a huge mess! I need to get my moneys in order, pay my damn taxes, over $600, damn the man! Pay the tax man, do this money survey for my financial adviser and figure out how much I can spend on guitar stuff.

I need an amp and at least a tremolo and reverb pedal, I want a new guitar with a Bigsby! I need to get the parts so Paul Filthy can fix Apple(Strat), and I need to buy a bunch of strings because I can't seem to not break them.

Ever get that feeling like things are gonna change on you? I go 9 months as a single guy, and now I get this feeling like four girls are gonna like me all at the same time. Wouldn't be the first time something like that has happened, granted, not with four girls, but you get my point. I also get the feeling something is gonna happen in general in with the ladies. I feel confident again, more so then in the past little bit. Speaking of girls, I have been noticing something, it seems older girls like me. I don't really go after them, or try, and when I do, I don't think I have a chance, I'm just flirting for fun. But there have been a few that have really changed my mind on that. Maybe they have been around longer and can see who I truly am, past whatever turns other girls away, or maybe its because I try so effortlessly with them. Sadly, these older girls are not gonna be happening anytime soon. That is a lie, one I kind of dated a while ago and she doesn't live around here anymore and another, we might hang out, but I don't see us dating right now. I have no idea other then that about girls right now. I there are some I would love to get to know better, and hope to date, but I don't know how they feel.

I do know that my job has been insane the past little bit and it could hit the fan soon. State people coming by to check us out, see if they should still give us money to be open. Getting ready for IF they come is kind of driving us nuts and I don't really care about them anyway. See, I hate people like them. They want the numbers and by the book answer to their questions. They want to know their money is being used for what it should be, but me answering questions about student to teacher ratio and how many subsidized families we have and how do the kids act, or whatever their questions were, I don't really remember. I wish they would ask me what I really do and why is my job important and why we should be open(aka, they keep giving us money). I could go on for days in that way. In fact I have been thinking of writing a blog about my job and what it is I do(this is not that blog, it will happen later). Many people ask, and I sum it up, but it doesn't really come close to what I really do. Really, I am, for some of these kids(mostly in the summer) the person they see the most and spend the most time with. I am a steady thing, they can count on me being there, knowing I will give them a hug when they need it, that I have the time to help them with homework. They know by 3:30 each day, that they will get a snack there, that I am goofy and they can tell me. They know me better then I think. They know when I am sad, how old my dog is, and they know I eat my corn dogs with a fork. I am not a classroom teacher, I don't pass them off to the next teacher after june, I see them day in, day out until their parents don't need us or they got to middle school. For some of them, I think we are link being school, home and sanity for their parents and themselves. I've been doing for 5 years or more now and have learned more from these kids then thought I would when I started at age 18. It went from a job, to my life. I mean that. Its not just "a job" that I leave and forget about, and come back to and my work is still there for me to start where I left off the night before. Without these kids, I would be lost and when I do have to leave, whenever that is, it will be harder then most "leaving things" I have done. I will miss them. I see them as family in a way, and you might not get that, but it true. I work hard to help them become the best people they can be, I guess that kind of sums it up for now. The feelings I get from them figuring something out for themselves or the joy they have from just me walking in the room, is unmatched in this world. That is why we need to stay open.

That is what I would really like to tell the people from the state.

(when i got the music)

Monday, February 26th, 2007
10:49 am - song up!!!!
hey guys, my band, the alpha villains, has a song up on our myspace page!!

we worked REALLY hard to get this done too. all diy by us on my computer

please go give it a listen!! tell me, us, what you think

even if you don't like the song, or punk or us, maybe you like the recording itself, or something about it. I did most the set up and recording and all the mixing of it. the mix is almost as important to me as the music, so let me know!!! took along time, lots of work, but i think it came out pretty damn good for how we did it!

listen here >>>> Alpha Villains!!

(when i got the music)

Monday, February 19th, 2007
4:13 am - arly morning song writting/up too early!!
lastnight at the last chance show, when they played their song "regrets" the drummer said "we all have some." I don't have any though and that kinda got to me, and i've been listening tot he song on their cd, its a good song, but it made me wanna write one about not having any regrets. so thats what ive been doing. this is what i have so far.

nothing ventured, nothing gonna change,
everything in life is gonna stay the same,
but thats not me, im rearranging everything,
taking chances, messing up,
failing, falling, but never giving up,
and there is one thing i've gotta say,
i've had not one regret along the way,

everything has lead me here,
all the pain and overcoming what i fear,
im living my life,
thats more then i could say before,
its just getting good, and
im looking forward to each day more and more

(when i got the music)

Sunday, February 4th, 2007
4:02 am - anger masks pain, hope trumps anger
reality can slap you in the face sometimes. most times you wont even know it til it happens, or has happened and your gasping for breath, trying to find a regular beat for your heart.

that happened to me the other day. it was at work. i have kinders(k's) who are huggy, i have lots of kids that are. but a few of my k's very much like to be hugged and held, esp. when sad or missing their parents. i hold em, not like a baby, but i will hug em tight in my arm, let them know they are okay and safe and i care. it seems to help a lot. this happens pretty much everyday, and is just cute to me. *side note, i have one lil girl who calls me her bf, and daddy, and kisses me anywhere she can, hugs me like crazy and tells me she is going to marry me*. But every once in a while i'll be hugging or holding one of them, and IT hits me. and i get flooded by IT. my breathing jumps all around, i cant get a true breath for a while, my heart goes all out of wack, and i cant hardly think right. it doesnt effect my job, it doesnt last long, at least the thinking think, only a few seconds when it hits. but the rest stays with me for a while.

part of me still wonders. was it really mine. then i have this part of me here, who can feel the loss at times. i'll never know if it was mine or not, i know what i was told, but i know the things i wasnt told before all this, so i cant say for sure one way or the other. i guess it doesnt really matter, it was still a part of my life. i think its something ive never really dealt with. or talked about in deatil with anyone. anytime i have its been mainly about how i dont know if it was mine, or that i paid for it anyoway and was told i'd get the money back from the inssurance, but never saw a dime of it. or how we kept it so well hid from my family and after the breakup she told my mom. i mask the pain with anger. i dont know if i can pull the two apart. i write songs about it, but the anger and pain are together still. i guess that comes with not fully knowing...she claims it was mine, but she claimed other things were a one shot deal, til others told me different, then she couldnt lie anymore...but tried til i got it out of her. i wonder if she still thinks about it. im sure she does, it was more her then me, ya know? wasnt me who had to go through it. i just sat in a cold car for a few hours.

although, the feeling a get when im holding one kids and this hits, isnt all bad. part is, but part is knowing oneday i'll have my own and it will be okay. i'll deal with it all oneday. so i just smile when it happens, kids are wonderful things. i'll always wonder, and not even in if it was mine, but if it were real, but i think, no, i know, its better off this way...

still though... .. im really sorry ... thats all i can say to it in my head.

moral here... hold strong, and let it out or it can eat you.. i gotta do that still. forget about it, its okay to cry and be sad and let your feelings take you where they need to be dealt with. its not "emo" or being a bitch or a pussy. its being a real human and dealing with tough times we humans go through sometimes.

do what you gotta, nevermind the outside

(2 places to go | when i got the music)

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