matt (echsendo) wrote,
matt
echsendo

more then just a ramble

More then a ramble.

Its been so nice outside lately, this is one of my favorite times of the year. Dark clouds, rain, coldness, its a feeling I can't put my finger on, but when its there, its amazing. The only bad part right now is it has been making me feel really lonely. Doesn't help I have been in a funk lately anyway, so add it all up and, blah. Maybe I should write songs.

Thats another part of my life right now, I am not focusing on things I need to. Song writing being one, getting things in order being another one. I'm talking cleaning, mail, bills, my health, its just not happening right now. I need to buckle down hard and fast. Maybe wake up early on a sat and get to work, my room is a huge mess! I need to get my moneys in order, pay my damn taxes, over $600, damn the man! Pay the tax man, do this money survey for my financial adviser and figure out how much I can spend on guitar stuff.

I need an amp and at least a tremolo and reverb pedal, I want a new guitar with a Bigsby! I need to get the parts so Paul Filthy can fix Apple(Strat), and I need to buy a bunch of strings because I can't seem to not break them.

Ever get that feeling like things are gonna change on you? I go 9 months as a single guy, and now I get this feeling like four girls are gonna like me all at the same time. Wouldn't be the first time something like that has happened, granted, not with four girls, but you get my point. I also get the feeling something is gonna happen in general in with the ladies. I feel confident again, more so then in the past little bit. Speaking of girls, I have been noticing something, it seems older girls like me. I don't really go after them, or try, and when I do, I don't think I have a chance, I'm just flirting for fun. But there have been a few that have really changed my mind on that. Maybe they have been around longer and can see who I truly am, past whatever turns other girls away, or maybe its because I try so effortlessly with them. Sadly, these older girls are not gonna be happening anytime soon. That is a lie, one I kind of dated a while ago and she doesn't live around here anymore and another, we might hang out, but I don't see us dating right now. I have no idea other then that about girls right now. I there are some I would love to get to know better, and hope to date, but I don't know how they feel.

I do know that my job has been insane the past little bit and it could hit the fan soon. State people coming by to check us out, see if they should still give us money to be open. Getting ready for IF they come is kind of driving us nuts and I don't really care about them anyway. See, I hate people like them. They want the numbers and by the book answer to their questions. They want to know their money is being used for what it should be, but me answering questions about student to teacher ratio and how many subsidized families we have and how do the kids act, or whatever their questions were, I don't really remember. I wish they would ask me what I really do and why is my job important and why we should be open(aka, they keep giving us money). I could go on for days in that way. In fact I have been thinking of writing a blog about my job and what it is I do(this is not that blog, it will happen later). Many people ask, and I sum it up, but it doesn't really come close to what I really do. Really, I am, for some of these kids(mostly in the summer) the person they see the most and spend the most time with. I am a steady thing, they can count on me being there, knowing I will give them a hug when they need it, that I have the time to help them with homework. They know by 3:30 each day, that they will get a snack there, that I am goofy and they can tell me. They know me better then I think. They know when I am sad, how old my dog is, and they know I eat my corn dogs with a fork. I am not a classroom teacher, I don't pass them off to the next teacher after june, I see them day in, day out until their parents don't need us or they got to middle school. For some of them, I think we are link being school, home and sanity for their parents and themselves. I've been doing for 5 years or more now and have learned more from these kids then thought I would when I started at age 18. It went from a job, to my life. I mean that. Its not just "a job" that I leave and forget about, and come back to and my work is still there for me to start where I left off the night before. Without these kids, I would be lost and when I do have to leave, whenever that is, it will be harder then most "leaving things" I have done. I will miss them. I see them as family in a way, and you might not get that, but it true. I work hard to help them become the best people they can be, I guess that kind of sums it up for now. The feelings I get from them figuring something out for themselves or the joy they have from just me walking in the room, is unmatched in this world. That is why we need to stay open.

That is what I would really like to tell the people from the state.
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