matt (echsendo) wrote,

anger masks pain, hope trumps anger

reality can slap you in the face sometimes. most times you wont even know it til it happens, or has happened and your gasping for breath, trying to find a regular beat for your heart.

that happened to me the other day. it was at work. i have kinders(k's) who are huggy, i have lots of kids that are. but a few of my k's very much like to be hugged and held, esp. when sad or missing their parents. i hold em, not like a baby, but i will hug em tight in my arm, let them know they are okay and safe and i care. it seems to help a lot. this happens pretty much everyday, and is just cute to me. *side note, i have one lil girl who calls me her bf, and daddy, and kisses me anywhere she can, hugs me like crazy and tells me she is going to marry me*. But every once in a while i'll be hugging or holding one of them, and IT hits me. and i get flooded by IT. my breathing jumps all around, i cant get a true breath for a while, my heart goes all out of wack, and i cant hardly think right. it doesnt effect my job, it doesnt last long, at least the thinking think, only a few seconds when it hits. but the rest stays with me for a while.

part of me still wonders. was it really mine. then i have this part of me here, who can feel the loss at times. i'll never know if it was mine or not, i know what i was told, but i know the things i wasnt told before all this, so i cant say for sure one way or the other. i guess it doesnt really matter, it was still a part of my life. i think its something ive never really dealt with. or talked about in deatil with anyone. anytime i have its been mainly about how i dont know if it was mine, or that i paid for it anyoway and was told i'd get the money back from the inssurance, but never saw a dime of it. or how we kept it so well hid from my family and after the breakup she told my mom. i mask the pain with anger. i dont know if i can pull the two apart. i write songs about it, but the anger and pain are together still. i guess that comes with not fully knowing...she claims it was mine, but she claimed other things were a one shot deal, til others told me different, then she couldnt lie anymore...but tried til i got it out of her. i wonder if she still thinks about it. im sure she does, it was more her then me, ya know? wasnt me who had to go through it. i just sat in a cold car for a few hours.

although, the feeling a get when im holding one kids and this hits, isnt all bad. part is, but part is knowing oneday i'll have my own and it will be okay. i'll deal with it all oneday. so i just smile when it happens, kids are wonderful things. i'll always wonder, and not even in if it was mine, but if it were real, but i think, no, i know, its better off this way...

still though... .. im really sorry ... thats all i can say to it in my head.

moral here... hold strong, and let it out or it can eat you.. i gotta do that still. forget about it, its okay to cry and be sad and let your feelings take you where they need to be dealt with. its not "emo" or being a bitch or a pussy. its being a real human and dealing with tough times we humans go through sometimes.

do what you gotta, nevermind the outside
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