matt (echsendo) wrote,

i dont know where to go

I'm falling apart. I hit a wall, some sort of wall. No, this isn't a writing thing, this is me in my head, just talking. I don't know why I am taking what happened, which is being dealt with and talked about and worked on, so hard. It's just girl trouble, nothing close to the worse I've felt before. I mean, shit, some of the shit I have gotten up from, more or less alone, I don't know how I did it. And yet, here I am. Maybe its a lot of issues and its all coming to a head with this problem. I think so, mixed with feeling dumb for thinking what was going on with this girl..blah blah blah. but, ok, so here i am, laying in bed, shaking, feeling like i wanna rip my skin off and cold, and liking the cold. ive hit bottom, at least my bottom, a few times.. well, i hit, then i hit harder, then i hit mental bottom. i know when i hit, i could go up. but, i wont let myself go back there, i just wont..which you'd think is good, right? i mean not cutting or hitting my head on things/hitting myself, is good right, not doing that. yet, i know thats bottom, and i have urge to do that. not the cutting, but the head thing. why, cuz some girl lead me on(in my head, she didnt mean to) and now i hurt, thats why i wanna fucking puke my guts out and then make myself forget the pain with new pain. fuck me, suck it up kid and get the fuck on with life. oddly, im still friends with her, i cant talk to her about any new boy probs, but i want to be there for her on other tihngs..but there is a whole new prob that opened up with me sayign i felt used, cuz.. well, ow she doesnt wanna come to me, yet thats not why i felt used. and the reasons i felt used were only cuz i thought she liked me and was taking what i said as, real to her, but she was just letting me say them. i have said them since, now knowing she doesn take them the way id like her to. she doesnt even think they are true, which is even more heartbreaking because if she could see her self the way i see her, she'd know how great she really is. yet now im saying i wanna hurt myself, seemingly cuz of her. which isnt true. that idea is already in my head, so, not..its just not that way. things just got lost in the motions i guess. we got carried away. confused to say the least and like she said, she knew i liked sayign those things, so she let me..and well, you can prolly tell how that goes. yet, we are trying hard to be friends.. yet my natural tihng to do is to lash out, but im trying not to, and its hard to get over someone when they are your friend still. but like i said, we are trying. shit just fucking hurts. really, thats all that needs to be said, shit just fucking hurts. we've all been there one way or antoer, its notihng new, not even to me..but i wana hit bottom, i wanna climb up..i mean, if you cant hit bottom, where do you go? or...what do you do? stay in limbo? i mean, fuck. its moret hen just the girl thing, i know. i got all kinds of shit right now and hella stressed about my new job and stuff... but its all come to a head with this. fuck... so, my sos is out. i can and will get past this, its not a matter of if, but when.. i can do it alone, ive done getting past a multi-lair/cheater by myself, i can get past this. but the love would help a lot, ive become very anti-social, very negative, and spending way too much time alone.

shit just fucking hurts
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